If that was your dad, he is hot
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
