it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
