Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
