she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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