After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
