Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
