I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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