I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
