"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
