i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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