Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
