Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
