Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
