I was born with a shot glass in my hand
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
