I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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