i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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