I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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