i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
