Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
