i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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