I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
