New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
