i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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