Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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