So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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