Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
