it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I met the friendliest cop last night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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