PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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