The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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