When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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