Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
