So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
