I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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