You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
