someone threw a dead crab at me
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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