dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
