Jerry, you need to find god
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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