I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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