I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
