I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
