I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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