I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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