Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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