I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
