Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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