Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
