Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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