i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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