I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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