Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
