I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
