Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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