Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
